riosity and at parties espe- cially where you are the only crossdresser present (and there largely as a gimmick and a con- versation piece for your straight friends) - you get cornered and quizzed inevitably. Wives, often urged on by their husbands, are quite uninhibited in the questions they pose when they have you corralled in the rest- room. Here are a few of the classic enquiries I recall from the nightmare past when I didn't know how to answer: (whispered) Have you had the operation?; Is it true that hor- mones can give you cancer? Don't you have trouble with men?; What do you do about sex?

I have had many talks both at parties and on social levels, with psychiatrists, psycho- logists and marriage guidance folk, whose lot it is to try to cope with the problems of the crossdressers and their wives. I enjoy these chats and I feel that they make some sort of contri- bution to a contemporary prob- lem because I have a lot of per- sonal experience to draw upon and can communicate with clari- ty when necessary. I tell what I know and have experienced willingly because I no longer have anything to lose. But per- haps my main contribution is not one of wisdom but more of what in play writing is known as "dramatic relief;" I have an un- quenchable sense of humor a- bout being a fulltime crossdresser and maybe that lightens what is otherwise a rather doleful subject for psychiatrists. Best of all, for them, is the fact that I am not continually invading their con- sulting rooms frenetically want- ing genital surgery those radical measures which could never make me a real Woman.

•

So we talk. But mainly, after the classic couch-oriented

opening exchange, its all about my way of life. But I live happily with myself and I can act out this developed fantasy without upsetting anyone.

One of the things these good people are interested in is that of my socio-sexual pre- ferences. In what groups do I mix best? In which groups do I, as a pseudo-female, feel hap- piest and most at home? In practical terms, how does a life, looking at the world from the other side of the mirror, work out for me?

To answer these questions, I have to divide up Society three ways: (1) Straight folks; (2) The gay/Camp Society; and, (3) The other crossdressers.

Despite all the difficulties, reservations, taboos and obstruc- tions I have earlier mentioned, my first preference is for the society of straight people. Until relatively recently all my social friends have been in this cate- gory. One of my former wives used to insist that this was be- cause I lived in fear of my female self and that I was striv- ing to keep a foothold in nor- malcy. But, actually, it's not that at all and at no time have I ever felt any such fear.

The reason for this prefer- ence is that the straight world, and my drive for social accep- tance in it, presents a constant and a much greater challenge. I have always suffered from social claustrophobia and the crossdressing scene is, regret- tably, still an underground, or at any rate, largely a cloistered

one.

However, my preference- gap between the straight world and the Gay/Camp world is a ra- ther narrow one and I find it rewarding that I am now accep- ted in the latter society as well. In general I find it blithe, amus- ing, alive and intellectually satis-

8

fying, especially to a writer. And although, deep down, cross- dressers (hetero) and homo- sexuals have little in common, I have received great kindness and good-humored acceptance at the hands of people in the world of the Gay and the Camp people.

And what about other dressers? Well, over the years I have found their society general- ly unrewarding though there have been notable exceptions But I guess that's largely my own fault for having carved out a way of life which is not open to more than a small percentage of crossdressers.

It is a regrettable, but in- escapable, fact that most of the crossdressers that I have met - even if able to pass satisfactorily in public have severe restric- tions on their freedom and their capacity to socialize with friends of similar inclination. So I find it difficult to have a close and satisfying friendship with ano- ther crossdresser who lives in constant fear of exposure to wife family or employers. whose robe is a suitcase hidden in the trunk of the car, and who is only able to dress spasmodically and in such secret that, when he does, his mind is entirely taken up with his own fears and troubles. How do you socialize with a friend who cannot visit your home or invite you to his home

to meet his family. It so happens, though, that the friend who currently pleases me most is both a crossdresser and homosexual and who sees no reason to conceal that fact. In sense of humor and social attitudes we find ourselves with much in acord.

But our relationship is nei- ther homosexual nor heterosex- ual. It seems to be wholly non- sexual and we behave to each other as if we were females,